Day After Directional Advice

I slept good last night.  I am glad to have had the opportunity to think and plan out this crucial moment in life.  It is important to go slow, be careful of spoken words because they can never be taken back.  It is not good to have to regret saying something during a stressful time.

The young relative came by last night.  I gave the loan, fixed her a drink and took her on a tour of my place.  I pointed out the grease stains on my kitchen wall, the totally destroyed back room closet, the filthy dining room carpet and the 2 broken dining room chairs.....all in lousy condition as destroyed by her mother/my sister.  Hence, this is the reason why no one will move in with me.  Her mother destroyed my home during the time she stayed here.  This was one of the reasons I told her, that she would never be able to move in with me.  I will not allow it.

I then had her review a special packet of information I prepared, assembled and copied the day before. It was good information on women's shelters.  I went through this page by page.

I then, packed a nice dinner of fried perch and chicken/veggie rice for her to take home.

I drove her to 3 SRO's that she needs to investigate.  The applications and contact information was in the pack I prepared.

Amazing, during the chat, she seemed to understand and seemed receptive to all information.  I clarified that I am retired, working part time for now and cannot allow relatives to depend on me.  This is a new day.  Everything said was passionate.  I even gave her instructions on how to make initial contact in seeking a shelter.  I will even take care of her cat.

I also warned her to be careful of her mother.  My sister will be likely to ask the nursing home to find her a place.  With that, she will move her daughter in.  My sister cannot take care of herself.  My niece abandoned her in her darkest days.  I will not step in.  So, I advised her do not allow this to happen.

My final point is not only as older adults, we cannot allow younger family folks to use us.  But, we have to be compassionate, provide them with information and details that they may never had considered.  No need for "I told ya so" or to berate a person when they are down.  Give the directions and remain prayerful.

Directives with Compassion

A young family member is following the life path of a parent.  It is a learned behavior of helplessness, dependence and failure.  A very sad reality that reflects the inability to manage one own's life.

The learned behavior is borrowing large sums of money which will never be repaid.
The potential to ask to move in "until they can get back on their feet".

A relative did both of the above for many years.  The amount of money "loaned" was ridiculously high and I will never be repaid. The relative moved in and left my place in a state of disrepair.  There was a sad image of laziness, greed and disrespect.

Let me provide some background details...

Some years ago, this young adult was working and living with mother.  Things were going well.  Then mom lost her job and daughter promptly moved out of the city, leaving her mother stranded (and dependent on me). So, that is when the mother had to move in with me.  There is more... but I'll stop there.

About one year later, I maneuvered for this person to move in with her father. She did not help him, ran up bills and started bringing her thug boyfriend into her father's home against his permission.  The father did the right thing and kicked her out after repeat warnings.    When she moved out, she left the father's place in a filthy mess.  So, of course she cannot go back there.

Now this young relative has approached me to help her... yes the same one who has horribly disrespected her mom and dad.  How does one handle this horrible situation?  I thought about this for 24 hours.  I have come up with the solution.

It is important to be compassionate. Help can be given in many ways.  Remember, the person made bad decisions that led to this point in time.

1. I am going to "loan" the money.  I probably will never get repaid.
But, remember, sometimes you have to look at a loan as a way to "pay-off" a person from ever approaching again.  But, there will be promissory letters signed.  I just completed the letter.

2. This person is NOT going to move into my home.
The mom left my place dilapidated and the young adult disrespected her dad's rules when she stayed with him.  So, that pattern is established.  What could I expect???

3. I am providing life directions.
Yesterday, I drove to some housing units and picked up applications for special housings. Office managers were very helpful.
I spent about 3 hours with online searches for women's shelters.  This is a challenge as women have to be protected and this information is not published.
I went to Kinko's last night to photocopy documents I prepared.
I just finished a full life pack to discuss and give her.

In conclusion, I have had enough!  No more loans and no moving into my home.  I have done enough!  However, I am compassionate.  I spent all day, evening and night preparing life instructions.  Hopefully this will be the directions in life that will be received.

2013 - What Is Up?

2013 has been awful. Did not see such horrible events coming.
In March, Jarrell signed out of a group home with a behavioral health unit.  He went homeless that night and took an overdose of lithium.  He was hospitalized, then transferred to a psych hospital. The group home would not take him back, so I accepted him into my care.

He moved back home in May (the same day I started my new job). It was bumpy. But over time things settled.  Things seemed to be really calm by July.  I was patient and pretty happy.  I even told family and friends how well things were at home, nice and peaceful.

Jarrell wanted his own place with support.  His case manager was working on this, but Jarrell's recent history of anger and aggression made him a difficult placement. His temper was getting worse.  I took him on an interview for a day program, every time I contributed to the interview, he would go into a major rant.  Needless to say, he was not accept.

I took him for his MD appointment (new appointment).  He asked the clerk where was the bathroom; I pointed it out... he went into a rant again!

Regardless of his rants, they were not major issues.  My home was peaceful.  He has his own huge room in the back, computer, radio, DVD, cable tv and air-conditioning.  The room is junky, he is a hoarder.  The room is outright filthy.  When he leaves out, I make the bed so there is some decency.

Lately he has been asking more about his own place. But as usual, I told him it will take time for his case manager to locate.  In the meantime, I made sure he enjoyed my home.. I made muffins every morning, kept him with his Powerades, Crystal Light, and Diet Mountain Dew.  I made sure he had a good meal prepared at 3am, before I would leave for work. I'm talking chili, pork chops, casseroles, pasta, pizza and fancy salads.  He had his privacy.  I leave out at 5:15am and back home by 5:15pm. I limited conversations to keep him from going "off".  I often got bitter nasty emails from him, I only replied... "Noted"

Jarrell saw his therapist every week and his psychiatrist every month. He had a Ventra card and got allowance every single week.   All the right things were being done to keep Jarrell happy. 

On the night of October 1st, I was sleeping on the couch, woke up startled, being sprayed in the face, I screamed as Jarrell hit me with a 5 pound weight.  He ran out the house, came back and called the police.

That was the end of Jarrell.

The paramedics arrived, police were very nice, and took him to the hospital.

After a few days, he was transferred to a psych unit.

I went to visit Jarrell, he cursed me out horribly and I left promptly. He said all of this was my fault because I did not move things fast for him to get placement.

Later, he met with his social worker, threw a chair which hit her.

He was moved to a different unit.

Jarrell's case manager is working to have him placed in a State Operated Facility.

I saw Jarrell yesterday.  He looks like a walking zombie.  He still cursed me out as I left.

No one in my family knows any of this...unless Jarrell told them.

If they ask, I will inform them.  But I will not demonize him in the process.

He needs a restricted environment.

I am glad that he lived with me for the past 5 months.  It was a good life.  But he hated it.  He has got to be totally crazy.

I know he is totally crazy.  He lived in a nice group home.  They even gave Jarrell his own apartment.  Nevertheless, he did not get along with staff.  His hospitalizations increased, more police calls from property damage.  To show how crazy Jarrell was, he would leave his apartment to pick a fight with the building staff.  A kind older gentleman.

Jarrell had 12 years of wonderful independence.  Always with his own bedroom or apartment.  The last 5 months were the best on this earth for him. 

Again, I am glad he lived with me for these last 5 months.  He hated it.  No one on this earth would have it that good.  He had his chance.  He showed his mental state which is not good at all.